Health Beyond the Blog: Darcy Lockman’s “All the Rage”

“All the Rage” explains the myth of the modern involved father and how equal partnership disappears when parenting begins.

by Ananya Dash

Darcy Lockman, a clinical psychologist, explores why the division of labor in the home plateaued and why mothers continue to do more, despite being in the workforce, in her book All the Rage: Mothers, Fathers, and the Myth of Equal Partnership (Harper Collins). Lockman wrote the book when conflicts over equal parenting simmered with her husband. She compares their division of labor to dusting of gunpowder — ready to blow up all the things she knows about their kids and all that he fails to ever learn, despite his best intentions.

Couples, on becoming parents, believe that they are equally involved in their children’s life. But Lockman explains that it is easier to feel grateful for all that has changed than to acknowledge all that has yet to. Men, on becoming fathers, fail to achieve equal partnership, even though they strongly believe in it. And women fail to understand why shared ideologies with their partners didn’t translate into lived experiences.

All the Rage shows its readers that we live in a world where women do everything that men can, but it isn’t the other way ’round. Lockman intertwines personal anecdotes of mothers and decades of research to explain this conundrum of not achieving the equitable life we all hope to live.

In an interview series with mothers, Lockman finds that fifty mothers recall the same thing—a partner who is a great guy but unable to do household chores—as if they were all the same person. While fathers are more involved, per every metric than in the past, their involvement in childcare has not changed since the 2000s, remaining at 35 percent. The “culture of fatherhood” has changed but women still do two to ten times more caregiving and chores as compared to men.

Lockman debunks the age-old idea that women are better attuned, as a result of their biology, to their children’s needs. There’s nothing innate about what we choose to do, including parenting; we are shaped by society.

Fathers experience similar hormonal changes as mothers when their partners are pregnant, priming their upcoming caregiving instincts, similar to mothers. Brain imaging reveals that fathering and mothering are both determined by how much time a parent spends with their children.

Research shows that the only time fathers do not respond to their children’s needs are when mothers are present in the same physical space. This behavior of fathers, Lockman explains, assumes that mothers are “supposed” to be primary caregivers.

To me, All the Rage reads as an ode to the mother’s love that we all experience. Lockman reminds us that the love mothers have for us is shaped primarily by societal expectations—not by the physical experiences of birthing or breastfeeding. Mothers are expected to sacrifice and are shamed for prioritizing themselves over their children. But glamorizing motherhood costs women everything, from their health and leisure time to happiness and income.

All the Rage: Mothers, Fathers, and the Myth of Equal Partnership is available to purchase on Harper Collins Publishers or second-hand bookstores such as Thriftbooks.com. Darcy Lockman’s opinion piece titled “What ‘Good’ Dads Get Away With” is available to read at The New York Times.